A/N: I have nothing against Mary-Sues. Some of my favorite stories are

 

about them, I even have a few myself. But they’re soooo easy to mock

and this was just an idea that popped into my head while I was in the

shower this morning. I think it’s funny. I hope you will you.

Mary-Sues Guild

“I now call this meeting of the MSG to order,” said the Silver Blonde

girl with Blue Eyes and the Cold Grace of a Wildcat from her perch at

the head of the bed. Long ago, her Author had been a big fan of the

Baby-Sitter’s Club.

The Plain Looking, Conspicuously Green Eyed Newbie with Strands of

Dark Hair Covering the Left Side of her Face shifted uncomfortably

against the wall. MSG? Wasn’t that bad for you?

Her companion, a Girl who Obviously Did Not Have Red Hair but Looked

Like She Ought To turned to her and answered the unspoken question as

though she were a psychic. “It stands for Mary-Sue’s Guild,” she

whispered to her in a voice not even a were-wolf could have heard.

“I heard that,” replied the Completely Normal Girl With Wolf-Ears,

Fangs and Eyes that Flashed Like Moonlight. She was proud of her

heritage, after all.

“Of course you did, dear,” said the eldest member of their group,

an Elegant Woman in her Late Twenties with a Subtle Air of Authority

who Anyone Could Tell was a Professor.

“Ehem,” coughed Silver Blonde, “Come to order or my dad will here of

this.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” snorted the Black Haired Girl who Hated Life and

Just Happened to Have Perfect Teeth Without Effort. “Tell us something

we don’t know, Wyvern.”

The Girl with Very Large Glasses for Aesthetic Reasons who Bore No

Resemblance to Hermione at All and Was Much Prettier Anyway, looked up.

“A Wyvern is a small type of dragon,” she offered in answer.

Perfect Teeth scowled. “Who asked you?” she snapped.

Someone strolled in the door, forestalling an argument. She was Very

Tall and Smelled of an Apothecary in a Pretty Sort of Way. “Sorry I’m

late,” she smiled, running a hand through her Long, Snow White Hair

which was So Beautiful it Would Take an Entire Paragraph to Describe.

Wyvern sighed. “Just sit down.” She looked around the room with a

gaze that had either too many adjectives or none at all. “Can we start

the meeting now, or would you like to fight some more?” She glared at

Perfect Teeth in a cool manner that brooked no argument.

But the Black Haired Girl was too cool to be cowed. She stood

furiously, robes twirling dramatically. “Yeah I wanna fight!”

Smelled of an Apothecary looked at her in a Sad and Disappointed sort

of way, and the Girl who Hated life sighed and sat back down grumbling.

“Okay,” the Silver Blonde grinned. “Is there any new business?”

Elegant Woman in her Late Twenties raised her hand, Wyvern nodded at

her. “Yes?”

The Woman’s Air of Authority grew Stronger. “As you know I am the

official liaison to the Middle Earth branch of the MSG.”

The group nodded.

“Arolas the Beautiful and Intelligent Elven Half-Hobbit who Can

Resist the Pull of the Ring and Keeps Dieing for Frodo and Being Reborn,

and Meg the Girl Who Just Sort of Appeared One Day But Is Naturally

Talented with a Sword Anyway and can Also Resist the Pull of the Ring,

the leaders of the branch, want to convey their most respectful

apologies, but ‘must ask’,” she did the air quotes, “that we return

their Nazgul.” The Woman frowned deeply.

The Black Haired Girl who Hated Life blinked. “What in the name of

the Authoress is a Nazgul?”

The Newbie looked up, also wondering what the things were. She looked

over at her Not Red Haired companion, who shrugged.

The Girl who Didn’t Look Like Hermione raised her hand and began

speaking before she was called on. “Nazgul, also referred to as Black

Riders. Wraiths once kings, who hunt the ring for the Dark Lord Sauron.”

She adjusted her glasses. “There are those who think that Dementors

bear a copy right infringing resemblance to them, a fact which Tolkien

fan purists can become quite irate over.”

“Feh,” Black Haired spat, “how can they snark about copyright when

they’re Mary-Sues? It’s specifically stated in the handbook that an

idea, once it is published becomes public property of the Authoress’

and their characters.”

There was a chorus of nods and several glares at the Woman with the

Air of Authority.

White Haired girl however, smiled. “She was just conveying the

message, girls. It’s not the Professor’s fault.”

The Guild had no choice but to agree with the girl’s calming aspect.

“Alright then, any other business?” Wyvern asked, looking up.

The Green Eyed Girl’s companion raised her hand.

“Yes?”

“I, I have a new member to introduce,” the Blatantly Not Red Headed

girl stuttered nervously, gesturing to the Newbie.

“Ah, of course.” The Silver Blonde nodded, instinctively not quite

liking the new comer. “And?” Wyvern crossed her arms, “What makes you

so sure you’re a Mary-Sue?”

That was fine because she instinctively didn’t like her either.

“Oh, I’m a Mary-Sue alright,” she brushed aside the Strands of Dark

Hair Covering the Left Side of her Face to reveal a rain drop shaped

scar beneath her Conspicuously Green Eye. “They call me,” she stood up

dramatically, “Insert-authors-name-here Potter.”

The room gasped collectively.

“You mean the Girl who Also Lived?” the Tall white haired girl

squeaked, impressed.

The Girl with Not Red Hair grinned. “That’s right.”

Wyvern however, didn’t seem particularly worshipful of the newbie.

“Well then, why don’t you tell us about yourself.”

“I’m Harry’s long lost twin sister. Through an odd series of

co-incidences even the Authoress can’t fully explain, I too escaped

with only a scar. I was adopted by a muggle family suspiciously like my

Author’s where I lived in misery, dreaming that someday I could escape

my dreary existence. Years past, I turned eleven and no one noticed.

More years past. Then, one day when I was fourteen I finally got a

letter from Hogwarts. Again, even the Author can’t adequately explain

how it got lost in the mail, but it probably has something to do with my

scar.) It’s my destiny to be paired with either Ron or Draco and save my

brother and the rest of the world from the terror that is Voldemort.”

Nobody in the room winced at the name, since none of them were timid

and impressionable or followed the normal and rational conventions of

the Wizarding society.

“I’ll probably die tragically in the process,” she shrugged continuing,

“But I’ll somehow manage to escape the fact that no magic can bring

back the dead and be resurrected by someone’s love for me.”

Wyvern scowled. The story sounded suspiciously like her own, except

that she. the long lost Malfoy, was paired with Harry, and would die

giving HIM the strength to defeat Voldemort, and possibly redeem her

twin brother Draco in the process. She bit her lip. “Alright fine.

We’ll take a vote. All in favor of admitting Insert-author’s-name-here

Potter into the Mary-Sue’s Guild raise your hand.”

The Tall Girl who Smelled of an Apothecary in a Pretty Sort of Way and

had Snow White Hair that was So Beautiful it Would Take an Entire

Paragraph to Describe was the first to raise her hand, followed by the

Perfectly Normal Girl with Wolf-Ears Fangs and Eyes that Flashed like

Moonlight, the Elegant Woman with a Subtle Air of Authority and finally,

grudgingly, the Black Haired Girl who Hated Life and Just Happened to

Have Perfect Teeth.

The Girl who Obviously Did Not Have Red Hair but Looked Like She

Ought To was of course exempt from the vote as she was the Green Eyed

Girl’s sponsor.

The Silver Blonde Girl with Blue Eyes and the Cold Grace of a Wildcat

surveyed the room with distaste, but refused to let the situation phase

her. “Fine. Let it be known that Insert-author’s-name-here Potter is

henceforth an official member of the Mary-Sue’s Guild.”

 

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Well, there ya have it. What say, should I write another chapter? And

please remember, a review is worth a thousand, um, somethings. Go see

my fanart at http://www.mediaminer.org/fanart/agal.php?id=61483